The HPLotR Parody of DOOM
by CrazyTomboy
Summary: Aren't you tired of all those bad crossovers, MarySues, and just plain WRONG pairings? Well, you've come to the right place! Join me in mocking these things and more!
1. Chapter 1

**The HP/LotR Parody of DOOM**

By CrazyTomboy

A/N- I got this idea when my second family (She Who Belongs in a Mental Ward's family. Mental is my beta and dear friend!) and I were watching "Return of the King" at church. I was saying something about Wormtongue, but it came out "Wormtail" instead. Now Mental, being the Queen of Parody Plotlines, remarked on that, and the Parody of DOOM was born! YAY!

**Chapter One- The Floo Powder Sucks, Harry. **

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were next in line to use the Floo powder to get to Diagon Alley. It was the precious time in a young teen's life that they have back-to-school shopping for the final time.

In other words, they were trying to think of excuses to not go back to school. Or at least Ron was, while Harry and Hermione dedicatedly smacked him to get him to SHUT THE HECK UP.

FINALLY, they got to the fireplace…

**MEANWHILE, IN… UM… A FOREST IN MIDDLE EARTH. NO! IN RIVENDELL! YES! THAT PLACE!**

Elrond called the council to order. "We must destroy the ring! Or else DEATH, DOOM, and DESCRUCTION shall engulf all of Middle Earth!"

Everyone nodded. Legolas and Gimli fought over which was better, an axe or arrows.

Elrond continued. "The Dark Lord Sauron is growing in power. WE MUST DESTROY THE FRIGGING RING!" Elrond started ranting about rings, with vague allusions to the magic ring from "Love Hina" (Here Mental points out that "Love Hina" is not part of the crossover. CrazyTomboy points out that she doesn't care. IT'S A COOL RING!).

Suddenly, a Random Elf Who's Name in Not Needed tiptoed over to Elrond and whispered into his ear. Elrond whispered a frantic reply, and the Random Elf nodded. Elrond sighed, rolled his eyes, and took his leave from the council. As he left, he heard rather violent fights breaking out about who would take the One Ring to Mordor.

The Golden Trio were sitting in a spaaaaaaarkly white room. Hermione was sitting with her head in her hands, moaning something about how much she hated Floo powder.

"Don't worry." Ron patted her arm. "It'll be alright, Mione."

Hermione smacked him. "If I had a nickname, it would have been mentioned already. STOP CALLING ME MIONE!"

Fangirls everywhere flamed CrazyTomboy for dissing Hermione's brilliant nickname.

((AHEM))

Elrond came to the three teens looking utterly annoyed.

"Floo powder?" He demanded.

"Yes, sir."

Elrond sank into a chair and rubbed his forehead. "Arwen, make a note to talk about modes of transportation with the Minister of Magic."

Arwen burst into tears. Because anyone who's written a "Lord of the Rings" fanfic KNOWS that Arwen is a whiny brat. It's in her contract.

Hermione started crying, too (because Fanfic Hermione is also a whiny brat. Either that, or a whiny prude. It's in her contract.).

While Harry and Ron explained to Elrond that it isn't the United Kingdom's fault that Floo powder sometimes drops you in Middle Earth, the Mary-Sue appeared.

(Here Mental argues that Mary-Sues aren't nice to write about, and that CrazyTomboy will get flamed. CrazyTomboy shows all the other things she'll probably get flamed for. And that no parody is complete without a Mary-Sue.)

A stunningly beautiful half-elf, half-human girl walked up. No, she didn't walk. She freaking FLOATED. Her hip-length, curly blonde hair sparkled in the sunlight, and her sapphire eyes (because all eye colors MUST be described as a gem. It's fanfic rule number one.) blazed with an inner fire. Her dress was also sparkly (but not as sparkly as her hair). It was, as all other Mary-Sue things, perfect.

"Ah, here's my long-lost-daughter, Starlight Sunshine." Elrond introduced the tall, thin beauty. "She was raised by mean foster parents for some reason, giving her plenty of angst. There, she learned how to use swords, bows, spears, knives, axes…" Elrond continued listing all the weapons Mar… I mean Starlight Sunshine could use. And that she was the most intelligent being in all of Middle Earth, because she was a Mary-Sue. And Mary-Sues must be perfect. It's the law.

Elrond FINALLY stopped blathering ON AND ON about his long-lost daughter after Arwen and Hermione's sobs grew to hysteric proportions (Really, they just wanted their contracts amended.) Ron and Harry had been sucked into the Patented Mary-Sue Trance. But after Hermione kicked them for a bit, they came to their senses and tried to amend their contracts, too.

"Harry Potter, you must take the One Ring to Mordor! Cast it into the flames! CAST IT IN, YOU IDIOT!" Elrond yelled and shoved Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Starlight Sunshine out the door.

"Great." Harry moaned, clutching the Ring. "Now what?"

Starlight Sunshine humphed, grabbed the Ring, and went off alone. The Golden Trio reluctantly followed, along with Legolas, who was in secretly in love with Starlight Sunshine. It's in his contract.

**End Chapter One. Please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N- Starlight Sunshine (hereby called "Sunny") is a very popular character. I find this odd, since she's a Mary-Sue. Oh, well. I like her, too. She's fun to write!

**Chapter Two- Wha…?**

Harry Potter was trudging along behind Ma... I mean Sunny. In fact, everyone was trudging in single file, as follows- Sunny in the front, then Harry, then Ron, then Hermione, then Legolas. He was trying to elbow Hermione out of the way so he could be closer to his Beloved, but she glared at him and waved her wand threateningly (accidentally causing Legolas' hair to turn pink, but that's beside the point. She decided she liked his hair better that way, anyway.). So Legolas, now pink-haired, sighed and shuffled along behind the bitchy Hermione (that's Hermione's other fanfic persona. Bitchy!Hermione. Funny how we can put her into so many neat little cliches?).

Suddenly, the Revised Fellowship heard shouting behind them! They turned to look, and saw...

(Here CrazyTomboy's documents folder accidentally closes. She clicks random links and brings it back up again. Where was I? Oh, yeah.)

They turned to look, and saw the REAL fellowship trying to catch up with them. Gandalf had lifted his robes so he could run, exposing lily-white legs. His hat had fallen off, and his face was a bright scarlet color. Aragorn and Boromir, however, were leading the group easily. THEY didn't have Lily-White Legs! THEY HAD LEGS O' STEEL! WOO! And, of course, Gimli taking his sweet Dwarfish time.

Gandalf was glowing a blue-y sort of color as he spoke. No one knew WHY he was glowing- he simply was.

"Halkdhwolik lkshjklf sjkdh lkjlikjlskdjfs. Sfd sdjkfhsdl sdlkjfs." Gandlaf said imperiously.

"Hey Hermione?" Ron whispered.

"Yeah?" she whispered back.

"What did he just say?"

Hermione shrugged and proceeded to make Legolas' clothing a flouresent pink color, to match his hair. She giggled evilly. This was _fun._

Starlight Sunshine stomped her small, delicate, and yet powerful feet over to the (large) group. "WHY have we stopped?" she demanded childishly. Think a bratty four-year-old. Oh, yeah. "Daddy SAID we need to go destroy the ring!"

"We're getting there, Sunny." Hermione sighed.

"No we AREN'T. We're STANDING STILL!"

"Then you go on ahead." Hermione whispered, trying to control her temper.

"Fine, then." Starlight Sunshine huffed and strode away with her nose in the air. Legolas followed her, bestowing compliments.

"Oh, Princess, you are the most beautiful, the most wonderful, the most awesome being ever to grace the world with your great, shining, brilliant presence! Please, I beg of you, give me the honor of walking beside you."

Sunny simpered and nodded in a seemingly-flirty way.

The group continued south, moving at a slow pace. Sunny was a difficult person... elf... half elf... what is she again? I forget. Anyway, she was a difficult someone to travel with.

A few days later, the Fellowship had made camp on a mountain. Hermione was more irritable than ever, having to be in the same universe as Sunny, who was giggling and making puppy-eyes at Boromir. Legolas wasn't very happy.

"BOROMIR! I CHALLENGE YOU FOR THE FAIR HAND OF THE FAIR LADY STARLIGHT SUNSHINE!" Legolas screamed. Boromir looked up from his fighting lesson with Pippin to see the Crebain flying towards them. Legolas grabbed Sunny and dove into hiding along with the others.

After the birds had flown past, Gandalf announced that they would take the path of Caradhras, the EVIL snowy mountain.

Everyone groaned.

A/N- Short chapter, I know. But you'll live... right? Right? RIGHT?

Anyway, please review. I like constructive criticism as long as it isn't mean, and I welcome anyone who wants to spork Sunny to death. Bring your own sporks, though, I used all mine on other Mary-Sues.


End file.
